I felt happy several times this weekend.
Playing with my little girl. Hearing her laugh. Watching her grow.
Seeing friends. Chatting. Sharing. Unwinding.
Watching Buffy. Chilling. Escaping.
Yet as I fell asleep, or tried to, on Sunday night, all I could think about was things which had made me feel deeply unhappy.
This is one aspect of depression and anxiety that I find really hard to deal with. I know there are so many good things, wonderful things in my life. But sometimes, I just can’t bring to mind anything but sick, anxious feelings that drag me down.
Whys and wherefores mix with recrimination and regret, whilst arguments that weren’t quite settled sit like bile. Nothing major. Nothing life changing. But the anxiety magnifies everything and the depression makes even the mildest muddled communication seem like the end of the world.
It’s a hard thing to explain to someone who has never experienced this. People tell you to focus on the good things, the positive things. “Think positively!” “Find the silver lining!” I can see the silver lining. I can.
But all I can focus on is the cloud.