October

october pic

It’s the first of October

It’s a rainy day

It’s rescuing birds from cats

It’s snuggling in a blanket while writing

It’s letting the kids binge on films

It’s not worrying about hanging the washing out

It’s piles of procrastination

It’s thinking about putting the heating on

It’s fallen oak leaves and conkers and getting stuck in brambles

It’s slick mud

It’s switching my ASMR feed to crackling fires

It’s the approach of Samhain

It’s bats and spiders and ghost in shop windows

It’s darkening and deepening

It’s October.

Autumn Equinox and the GLAD Study

The autumn equinox is a time for pause and reflection. It’s that moment of balance; darkness is about to take over, and before too long, the nights will noticeably outweigh the days. It’s a time to take stock, just as traditionally, the equinox would have been a time to ensure stocks for the winter were sufficient to survive until spring.

My reflections this autumn equinox are focused around my mental health. This year, in particular, has been challenging. There have been plenty of trials and tribulations, but even when times have been joyous, my depression has left me achingly low and my anxiety has left me crippled with indecision and panic attacks.

With that in mind, I’ve decided that doing something potentially positive is the way forward. I’ve joined up for GLAD, a study into the genetic links between anxiety and depression. Many medical professionals have postulated different ideas to me about mental health issues. Some state that it’s all to do with chemical imbalances, and give coping mechanisms. Others say it’s to do with trauma, and we talk about that and try and pull it to pieces whilst putting me back together.

I don’t have the answers. I’m not any better, although I’m perhaps a little more confident and sure of myself after my last run of therapy. So, by providing my DNA sample (saliva) to this study, I hope I can help provide answers for others.

Anyone interested in the study can join up here. Have a wonderful autumn equinox.

Autumn Colours

A link back to last autumn, and the bright colours that entranced us.

Merry Equinox!

via Autumn Colours

Intermittent Cloud, Some Showers

I need to take inspiration

From the one year old

She is a joy storm

Crashing delight

Like waves against

My sinking ship

Lightning smiles

Hurricane howling laughter

My stress

My tears

My depression

Feel worthless

In the sight

Of her happiness

I want to give

The gift of peace

Tranquility

A calm day

And balmy sunshine

Or at least

Intermittent cloud

Some showers

Not that she’s never upset

But her tantrums come and

Go

Gone

Like cumulus nimbus

In a gale

Massive yet fleeting

At only one year old

She has learnt the art

Of letting go

While I can only hope

To tip my barometer

To intermittent cloud

Some showers.

Being a Full Time Writer

Means…

  • Still being up at this time
  • Veering from research topics as diverse as best restaurants in Richmond, VA to the way the full moon affects the sex drive
  • Wine, lots of wine (not compulsory- well, it is for me.)
  • Lists that go on forever
  • The inability to say “no” to projects because they’re ALL SO NAGDARN EXCITING
  • Blankets, cushions, cats
  • Insisting that yes, I do need this right now, it’s for a writing thing ssh…
  • No, get off, it’s mine!
  • Hiding the bodies

The World Creaks

The world creaks

I stand on my step

Suddenly unsteady

As if I felt

The planet

Tilt

Wind teases

Rain taunts

Something is growing

Beneath

The earth warms

The sky cries

And the world

Creaks

Pigeons

The pigeons sat on me

The day I took the train.

I’d seen the old man

A local, perhaps

Or a tourist, but such a lack of

Surprise

At his avian invaders

He stood beneath the sighing sycamore

While feathered rats

Stood politely on arms and shoulders

Then he moved away,

As if nothing of import

Had occurred.

I stood in the same spot

Thinking nothing of it.

Within moments,

Feathery warmth assailed my arms

My shoulders

Then up to my neck

Nuzzling my hair

Then alarm started to set in

As one flew onto

The top of my head.

I felt its claws

Its beak

Hunting for bugs

Scrabbling for purchase

Panic’s knife edge threatened

But I moved carefully

And they gently flew to the ground

Landing in leaves and moss and grass.

The pigeons sat on me

I’d thought the old man special

Gifted

And perhaps he was

For his patience

And perhaps I was too.